Persecution, Judgment, Attack, Shame

1) Meeting with all of my professors but having nothing to show. Like a preliminary defense, but with nothing substantive to defend.

2)Argument with a man. We're in a university A big hall.Cheerlieading try-outs. Parking garage. A fight breaks out but he grabs me - literally - by the balls. I feel violated, outraged, ion pain, and helpless. I also seem to be wearing flimsy jogging shorts. I cannot shake him or fend him off. Every new attack is met with same as I try to get the upper hand.

3)I am visiting with L-- and family. Awkward family moments... they don't know that he two of us have broken up. S-- looks sad. I talk to her hoping to cheer her up; ask if she wants to go for a ride, a journey. Her response is happy and then unexpected.

We are in a living room. I'm on an air mattress - she on the couch - and she's then clinging to me, saying "you do love me" and she forces kisses on me... which is all very excitijng but I'm freaking out: 1) because we're in the living room and 2) because this would wreck both our relationships to L--. I try to get away, push her away - but she'd got her hand down my pants and L-- is right there hearing it all. We're toast. S-- is rejected and L-- is pissed.

No win.

Also of note, S-- is wearing a red ribbon. She is almost Nordic blonde and reminds me of [a friend]. The ribbon is the scarlet letter of the dream: a symbolic accusation of betrayal. S-- had the red ribbon like a sash draped over her shoulders. L-- was wearing a maroon scrunchie, which she threw at me.

I felt very judged, and guilty in some sense. but revealing of hidden emotion is exciting - and has consequences.

We carry our judgements into our dreams.

On Stage Again

Dream, January 2, 2012
A wonderful wooden set, circa mid to late 1970s. Performing a play about a royal family - Hamlet? But I have absolutely no knowledge of my lines or any plot and we're opening tonight, as in Now! and I'm in scene one and I don't even have my costume on.

No pleas or stalling: You're on!

Desperately pulling on my costume over my clothes and with my pants halfway up the curtains open: and I disappoint everyone.

Slave to the Computer

Why should we continue to invent new technology? I demand to know, when increasingly we are it's slaves. We are fooled into serving it. It's great lie, is that it will free us. More and more we create that which is supposed to grant us more time. What it allows, is for more to be done in less time.

The cruel paradox is thus: We are expected to do more in less time. We are held accountable to these great expectations by employers, teachers. We're doing it to ourselves, the technology itself does not inherently demand more from us. And the time that is left? We are expected to continue to put in as much as we had before. Which means we are producing much more in the same amount of time, but we are being sorely taxed for it. The human mind and body was not meant to multitask as much as we are being asked. The mind focuses on one task at a time. Our neural pathways don't cross wire mid-task.

What are the total societal consequences of such a pervasive mentality?

Mental break-down, stress, depression, anxiety, sickness, violence, suicide.

This adds up to a huge monetary and humanitarian toll on our society. Is it worth it?

Cheers darling.

I don't know whether I'm healing or breaking. I'm trying to let go, but I feel I need to have a drink to cope. That's no good.

I'm at a pivot point I think. I think I can see the other side of the mountain, but it looks just as bleak.

Fuck. I hate being alone. The irony is that I'm so very aware of the universe and that I'm not alone. Okay, it's like being behind glass, and I can see everyone but I cannot touch them. I ache for it. I weep for it. There's no poetry to my melancholy. Perhaps it would be more productive to produce with this yearning than to be self deprecating.

Feeling lost again?

Aye. The world still spins, the stars wheel o'erhead. And I feel the crash of the waves on my naked skin. There is salt. And Blood. I think I shall sleep awhile in the sand and let Morpheus take away the ache.